Welcome to the first of our Mother’s Day posts! Today’s entry is a fictional advice column, Ask Jane. It’s so hard to make parenting decisions that moms often end up turning to the experts: speakers, authors, and advice columnists. While there are many general survival manuals out there, like Max Brooks’  The Zombie Survival Guide, and Sean Page’s The Official Zombie Handbook, reviewed here, when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, we can now turn to Ask Jane.

The author, Jane Doe, is the mother of children of varying ages, including a four year old and at least one teenager. She’s also an inveterate reader of zombie fiction, and a font of knowledge on all things zombie.  Her real identity and location are unknown, but in the event of an apocalypse, she plans to head for Palm Springs.

Ask Jane: Practical Advice for Moms

Now that the Zompocalypse is here, we moms don’t know what to do with our children. We want them to be kids, but how do we keep them safe without impacting their childhood? Here are the most common questions asked.

Should I give my child Phalanx?

Phalanx is a rabies vaccine. It does absolutely nothing against the Zed Virus. While it won’t hurt your child to have the vaccination (if he or she is bitten by a raccoon it might help),  it will be ineffective against the living dead.

I’m having a hard time breaking my 5 yr old of her sharing habit. Should I even try?

Sharing is good manners. With the limited supplies survivors have on hand, sharing well is a must. Plus, if you share with others, they’ll share with you. When you become low on ammunition, your daughter’s sharing habits will save your lives.

Timmy’s best friend was bitten and he’s been having a hard time adjusting. How can I help him?

This is a tough one. You want your child to have friends, but it’s not good to get too attached to people. Help Timmy deal with the loss of his friend by putting the friend down humanely. Let Timmy do it if it will help. One clean shot to the head will let Timmy know his friend is no longer suffering.

My son is only 4. Is it too early to give him his own rifle?

4 is the perfect age to start lessons in marksmanship. Find him a little .22 rifle and let him practice on the hordes outside the city limits. The sooner he learns to shoot, the safer you’ll feel.

My little Susie was bitten. She’s really sick. What should I do?

The kindest, most caring thing you can do for her is to put her down. One bullet through the head is the greatest show of love. You must think of your other children. Their safety should be considered as well.

Check back tomorrow for our next entry!