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Monster Librarian’s Horror Movie Survival Guide, Part 2: Tips from Mom

I’m going to preface this by saying that my mom does not  watch horror movies. In fact, she does not like the horror genre at all. She’s a Heartland Film Festival kind of person, not a Shriekfest lover. She is, however, a very patient women who listens to me talk about it all without complaining (much).  In spite of herself, she was intrigued when I told her about the challenge to come up with a list of things you’d use to survive if you were stuck in a horror movie, and she started brainstorming.

It was pretty fun to see what she came up with.

You know, in a majority of horror movies, mothers get a bad rap. Jason Vorhees, Norman Bates, and Carrie White all had disturbed mothers responsible at least in part for their children’s twisted minds. The mothers who aren’t mothers of monsters are usually absent, clueless, or dead (it’s television, yes, but Joyce Summers, Buffy’s mom, manages all three by the end of season five).

My mom is not any of those things. Also, she doesn’t like violence. But she had some ideas you might want to take into consideration. I’m guessing you can find most of them in your kitchen or bathroom. I’m pretty sure she could find a majority of them in her kitchen or bathroom. She shops at Costco, and her house is surprisingly well-stocked.

Her first suggestion was, naturally, a cell phone with GPS.  If that didn’t work, a compass would at least give an idea of direction. The next thing she’s want would be comfortable shoes. Getting places is not necessarily easy for her so shoes with good traction, possibly even hiking boots,  would be a good choice. Next, “be prepared” is the Boy Scouts’ motto, and with kids who have navigated both Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, she knew a first aid kit would carry a lot of essentials. She also included a triangle bandage, because of the multiple uses possible: tourniquet, sling, or strangling the bad guy. She suggested that bringing a magnifying glass would be useful both for close examination of things and for starting fires (kind of a time consuming way to start a fire, but okay) and a hand mirror would be useful for looking around corners, seeing if something (like, say, Medusa) is sneaking up from behind, or discovering whether the person standing behind you is a vampire (obviously, if you know he’s there’s no reflection, that’s a pretty good indicator). Once you’ve identified the vampire, a cross or garlic would be useful in warding her off.

 

Naturally, you don’t want to get too close to the monster, If you have decent aim, you could always try using bolas to trip or entangle it.

Hey, if it worked for Batman, it could work for you.

If you do have to get closer, Mom suggests baking soda or pepper spray (you can blind the monster or distract it) and then using rope or duct tape to restrain it. If forced to make a choice, she suggests the duct tape, because duct tape has so many, many uses.

She also suggested a flashlight, which could either be used when you’re groping around in the dark, or, alternatively, to blind anything unpleasant that might be coming in your direction. With a MagLite I suppose you could also use the flashlight as a weapon, making it a multipurpose item. A camera was also on her list, but given the unpleasant things that tend to happen when cameras get involved in horror movies (videotapes haunted by vengeful ghosts, found footage of deeply unpleasant events in the woods, and so on) I’m going to suggest that this may not be the best option. She also added a shofar to her list, because you never know when you’ll need a REALLY loud sound. And a shofar is REALLY  loud. I think it would be an awkward item to carry along, though, and it probably wouldn’t fit in a crate.

Her final suggestion, and I think this is a great one (since we’re already talking fiction here) is a pair of ruby slippers. You know, click your heels three times and there’s no place like home.

Dorothy's Ruby Slippers

Found at Forbes.com

See, Dorothy is getting away from that witch just in the nick of time!

What we’ve got here is a much different list than the one Monster Librarian’s reviewers came up with, but it’s also got some great ideas. I’d put my reviewers in charge of the weapons any day of the week, but as far as safety and self-defense go? My mom turns up a winner.

Posted on October 28, 2014 by , Reply

Booklist: Mother’s Day Reads

The new NBC miniseries for Rosemary’s Baby is premiering this weekend, just in time for Mother’s Day. Yes, it’s true, Mother’s Day is fast approaching! Motherhood can be tough and scary in so many ways, and mothers and mother-in-laws can be tough and scary, too, and that manifests itself in so many ways that I can’t even begin to list them. What I can do is give you a list of books in which mothers and their influences have played a significant part. Maybe you can relate (I hope not, but you never know) and maybe these will put things into perspective as everyone gears up for Mother’s Day.

 

 

   Rosemary’s Baby  by Ira Levin.

This classic work by Ira Levin tells the story of Rosemary Woodhouse. Rosemary and her husband, Guy, move into a very nice apartment that is suspiciously inexpensive,  in a building with an extremely disturbing history of witchcraft, cannibalism, and murder. Apparently the nosy elderly neighbors are covertly continuing that tradition, and have convinced Guy to take part as well. When Rosemary becomes pregnant, the residents of the building attempt to isolate her and take control of her pregnancy.

In spite of all the rosy depictions of pregnancy, it is a difficult experience emotionally and physically. and can be terrifying even when you have a fantastic support system, and sometimes it involves real tragedy. Rosemary’s Baby makes that frighteningly vivid. Roman Polanski’s movie is considered to be a faithful adaptation, and a classic work of horror as well.
Carrie  by Stephen King

The cruelty of the girls at school to Carrie is what I find most memorable about the book, but this story could not have existed in the same way without her mentally ill mother, Margaret White, whose violent, controlling, and isolating behavior is the source of many of Carrie’s problems. Even at the end of the story she calls out for her mother. While not Stephen King’s best writing, Carrie has clearly hit a mark with its tone and message. It was made into a movie of the same name, starring Sissy Spacek, in 1976, and again in 2013, with Julianne Moore stealing the show in the role of Margaret White.

Note:  Carrie also inspired a sequel (The Rage: Carrie 2), was made into a musical (1988), and was  made into a made-for-television movie for NBC (2002).
 Psycho: A Novel

Who doesn’t know of Norman Bates and the Bates Motel? In spite of  her unpleasantness and controlling behavior, Norman Bates loves his mother. Spoiler: she’s been dead for 20 years. Almost everyone knows the movie Psycho, directed by Alfred Hitchcock; it is worth taking a short while (it is a short book) to check out the book. Bloch’s novel may have been influenced by the story of Ed Gein, a serial killer arrested near where he lived at the time.

      Beowulf  by Anonymous

I have reviewed the Michael Morpurgo version of Beowulf here, and if you are wondering why a children’s book is appearing on a list of very adult books,  rest assured that this adult thought it was amazing. The second book I’ve linked to is a graphic novel version by Gareth Hinds, which I discovered while surfing Amazon, and has some really great reviews. Beowulf is required reading for many middle or high school students (I think I read it in eighth grade) and it is not easy going. Morpurgo’s version is really engaging, though, and I am guessing that disengaged readers might get into it with this graphic novel version.

So why is this book on my list? If you have read Beowulf before, you know that a third of the story is devoted to the battle between Beowulf and Grendel’s mother.  Sure, Grendel was a ravening monster who ripped people apart before devouring them, but a mother’s thirst for violent and deadly revenge, in this case, truly knows no bounds.

 

 


The Dollanganger Saga: Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews

The collection of messed-up mothers in V.C. Andrews’ Dollanganger Saga includes Olivia Foxworth, Corinne Dollanganger, and Cathy Dollanganger, all twisted up in various degrees of love, hate, and general twisted behavior. One thing you definitely see in these books is the tremendous influence a mother can have on her children, and how that can reverberate through multiple generations. The first book, Flowers in the Attic, has been made both into a movie of the same name and into a television miniseries that aired earlier this year, but the last one, Garden of Shadows, which is technically a prequel, packs a powerful punch as well.

 

Room by Emma Donoghue

Not a horror novel per se, Room is still pretty horrific.  The story is narrated by five year old Jack, who has never been outside the small room he inhabits with his mother. At night, Jack’s mother shuts him away to keep him from the notice of  their only visitor, Old Nick.  What’s actually occurring will be evident pretty quickly to the reader. Jack’s Ma shows her resourcefulness in keeping Jack entertained and occupied without revealing that something really wrong is going on, and protects him to the best of her ability. Their situation is awful, but her love for him is evident, and without the dysfunctional malevolence of some of the other mother-child relationships I’ve mentioned here.
Lakewood Memorial (Zombie Trilogy, Book 1) by Robert Best

A few years ago I did a project around Mother’s Day called Moms vs. Zombies. Just about the time that it was over, this book by Robert Best came my way. Zombies really aren’t my thing, but I was curious to find out how a mom did actually deal with zombies, and although it has more foul language than I like, and was also more gory than I like (zombies REALLY aren’t my thing) I read it cover to cover in short order. The characters are just great. In the hospital, you have Angie, a mom who works at the local hospital; one of her coworkers; a cranky old man and his relatives;  and Park, who appears to know how to use a gun, and is at the hospital to bring his recently bitten friend to the ER. On the other side of a bridge, Angie’s kids and their babysitter are under siege at her home. Both Angie and her kids are determined to reach each other, and boy, are they survivors. If I have to survive a zombie apocalypse, I just might be able to manage it with Angie and her kids on my side. I am afraid that I did not review it at the time, as I can’t really give zombie novels a fair shake, but some of Best’s characters have really stuck with me, particularly Angie, her kids, and the cranky guy in the wheelchair.

 

If you plan to watch the miniseries, enjoy Rosemary’s Baby, and if not, I hope you’ll take a moment to think of your mother, no matter how you feel about her. I hope you have a great Mother’s Day!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on May 1, 2014 by , Reply

Moms vs. Zombies, Mother’s Day Edition: A Mom, A Plan, A Minivan

Kirsten Kowalewski has worked as a children’s librarian and school library media specialist. Currently she is a reviewer and editor for MonsterLibrarian.com. Kirsten has two children, ages 3 and 5, who you would NOT want to be boarded into a basement with during a zombie apocalypse.

Kirsten’s husband has asked her to make it very clear that this entry is a work of FICTION. Check back tomorrow (Yikes! Mother’s Day already) for our final Mother’s Day entry.

A Mom, A Plan, A Minivan

My husband is driving me crazy.

Every night he comes home from work, eats dinner, sinks into his recliner, and zones out in front of the television.  If the kids start jumping all over him, sometimes he’ll move to the couch, but even then I can’t tear him away from professional wrestling long enough to get him to talk about what’s going on.

He tells me that it’s just craziness on the Internet, that the media is just hyping things up, and that it’s no big deal, nothing to worry about.  He says not to get whipped up into hysteria by talking to my friends about what’s in the news.  Everything will be okay, he assures me.

Though even if it’s not okay, he says, even if it’s really happening, he doesn’t see why I need to get into the details. He bought a zombie survival kit off eBay, and he figures that if that doesn’t work, we’re toast, anyway.

Personally, I don’t appreciate his attitude.

I mean, I read the news. This zombie thing isn’t just showing up in wacko/conspiracy theory blogs or cheesy, obviously fake videos on YouTube. And it’s crossing political boundaries: I’ve seen stories on Fox News agreeing with articles in the New York Times.  I can’t watch the news feeds, though—the carnage is awful, and I just don’t have the stomach for that kind of thing.

Maybe if it was just me, I’d head to Costco and stock up on bottled water, canned goods, and toilet paper; I could board over the basement windows and hide out. It might even be an opportunity to spend quality time with the man I love. But…there are the kids. And there is no way in the world that we can stay cooped up in a boarded-up room, even a big one, with two kids under five with energy to burn who are capable of producing the kind of ear-splitting screams ours can, and one of whom isn’t potty trained.

Crap.

What happens if the zombies come and I run out of pull-ups? It’s too bad they have no sense of smell—otherwise I could just wave the stinky ones in front of them to drive them away.

I’ve talked with friends about loading up our minivans to form a caravan—strength in numbers—but I don’t know what we’d do when we run out of gas. Running out of gas on the highway seems like a bad idea, but if we stopped a gas station we could be walking into a trap…

Geez, maybe my husband has a point. I really sound paranoid.

But, if we were to do this, where could we go that’s far enough from the city to avoid the major zombie attack, but close enough that we won’t run out of gas?  Wherever it is, I kinda doubt we’ll find a Chick-fil-a , but hopefully we can manage a zombie-proof playground of some kind.

While we try to figure out where we’ll go, I’m making a list of stuff I think we’ll need to take. You can fit a lot of stuff in a minivan, especially if you’re good at packing. Guns make me nervous, even the toy ones, but I can pull an emergency survival kit together. Most of that stuff is in a basic first-aid kit (i.e. one with LOTS of bandages, adhesive wraps , painkillers, gauze, children’s Tylenol, a thermometer, tweezers, and a long list of other things I keep on hand for the sick and wounded), plus my son’s inhaler and my own meds. (I’m a little worried about what will happen when I run out of meds, so hopefully this will all be over before my three-month mail order supply is gone)  Soap, definitely, both solid and liquid (I see dishes and laundry probably being washed by hand); towels; underwear; toilet paper; pull-ups; a portable generator; water; extra gasoline; milk boxes and snacks for the kids; the GPS unit…there’s a lot to consider.

I really love my kids.  I don’t want to see them hurt, and I definitely don’t want them turning into zombies.  So I am taking in every single hug, every “I missed you, Mommy” to remember, just in case.

I wonder…do you think, if you were firm enough…would zombies sit quietly in timeout?

Posted on May 8, 2011 by , Reply
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