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Moms vs. Zombies, Mother’s Day Edition: A Mom, A Plan, A Minivan

Kirsten Kowalewski has worked as a children’s librarian and school library media specialist. Currently she is a reviewer and editor for MonsterLibrarian.com. Kirsten has two children, ages 3 and 5, who you would NOT want to be boarded into a basement with during a zombie apocalypse.

Kirsten’s husband has asked her to make it very clear that this entry is a work of FICTION. Check back tomorrow (Yikes! Mother’s Day already) for our final Mother’s Day entry.

A Mom, A Plan, A Minivan

My husband is driving me crazy.

Every night he comes home from work, eats dinner, sinks into his recliner, and zones out in front of the television.  If the kids start jumping all over him, sometimes he’ll move to the couch, but even then I can’t tear him away from professional wrestling long enough to get him to talk about what’s going on.

He tells me that it’s just craziness on the Internet, that the media is just hyping things up, and that it’s no big deal, nothing to worry about.  He says not to get whipped up into hysteria by talking to my friends about what’s in the news.  Everything will be okay, he assures me.

Though even if it’s not okay, he says, even if it’s really happening, he doesn’t see why I need to get into the details. He bought a zombie survival kit off eBay, and he figures that if that doesn’t work, we’re toast, anyway.

Personally, I don’t appreciate his attitude.

I mean, I read the news. This zombie thing isn’t just showing up in wacko/conspiracy theory blogs or cheesy, obviously fake videos on YouTube. And it’s crossing political boundaries: I’ve seen stories on Fox News agreeing with articles in the New York Times.  I can’t watch the news feeds, though—the carnage is awful, and I just don’t have the stomach for that kind of thing.

Maybe if it was just me, I’d head to Costco and stock up on bottled water, canned goods, and toilet paper; I could board over the basement windows and hide out. It might even be an opportunity to spend quality time with the man I love. But…there are the kids. And there is no way in the world that we can stay cooped up in a boarded-up room, even a big one, with two kids under five with energy to burn who are capable of producing the kind of ear-splitting screams ours can, and one of whom isn’t potty trained.

Crap.

What happens if the zombies come and I run out of pull-ups? It’s too bad they have no sense of smell—otherwise I could just wave the stinky ones in front of them to drive them away.

I’ve talked with friends about loading up our minivans to form a caravan—strength in numbers—but I don’t know what we’d do when we run out of gas. Running out of gas on the highway seems like a bad idea, but if we stopped a gas station we could be walking into a trap…

Geez, maybe my husband has a point. I really sound paranoid.

But, if we were to do this, where could we go that’s far enough from the city to avoid the major zombie attack, but close enough that we won’t run out of gas?  Wherever it is, I kinda doubt we’ll find a Chick-fil-a , but hopefully we can manage a zombie-proof playground of some kind.

While we try to figure out where we’ll go, I’m making a list of stuff I think we’ll need to take. You can fit a lot of stuff in a minivan, especially if you’re good at packing. Guns make me nervous, even the toy ones, but I can pull an emergency survival kit together. Most of that stuff is in a basic first-aid kit (i.e. one with LOTS of bandages, adhesive wraps , painkillers, gauze, children’s Tylenol, a thermometer, tweezers, and a long list of other things I keep on hand for the sick and wounded), plus my son’s inhaler and my own meds. (I’m a little worried about what will happen when I run out of meds, so hopefully this will all be over before my three-month mail order supply is gone)  Soap, definitely, both solid and liquid (I see dishes and laundry probably being washed by hand); towels; underwear; toilet paper; pull-ups; a portable generator; water; extra gasoline; milk boxes and snacks for the kids; the GPS unit…there’s a lot to consider.

I really love my kids.  I don’t want to see them hurt, and I definitely don’t want them turning into zombies.  So I am taking in every single hug, every “I missed you, Mommy” to remember, just in case.

I wonder…do you think, if you were firm enough…would zombies sit quietly in timeout?

Posted on May 8, 2011 by , Reply

Moms vs. Zombies, Mother’s Day Edition: Ask Jane

Welcome to the first of our Mother’s Day posts! Today’s entry is a fictional advice column, Ask Jane. It’s so hard to make parenting decisions that moms often end up turning to the experts: speakers, authors, and advice columnists. While there are many general survival manuals out there, like Max Brooks’  The Zombie Survival Guide, and Sean Page’s The Official Zombie Handbook, reviewed here, when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, we can now turn to Ask Jane.

The author, Jane Doe, is the mother of children of varying ages, including a four year old and at least one teenager. She’s also an inveterate reader of zombie fiction, and a font of knowledge on all things zombie.  Her real identity and location are unknown, but in the event of an apocalypse, she plans to head for Palm Springs.

Ask Jane: Practical Advice for Moms

Now that the Zompocalypse is here, we moms don’t know what to do with our children. We want them to be kids, but how do we keep them safe without impacting their childhood? Here are the most common questions asked.

Should I give my child Phalanx?

Phalanx is a rabies vaccine. It does absolutely nothing against the Zed Virus. While it won’t hurt your child to have the vaccination (if he or she is bitten by a raccoon it might help),  it will be ineffective against the living dead.

I’m having a hard time breaking my 5 yr old of her sharing habit. Should I even try?

Sharing is good manners. With the limited supplies survivors have on hand, sharing well is a must. Plus, if you share with others, they’ll share with you. When you become low on ammunition, your daughter’s sharing habits will save your lives.

Timmy’s best friend was bitten and he’s been having a hard time adjusting. How can I help him?

This is a tough one. You want your child to have friends, but it’s not good to get too attached to people. Help Timmy deal with the loss of his friend by putting the friend down humanely. Let Timmy do it if it will help. One clean shot to the head will let Timmy know his friend is no longer suffering.

My son is only 4. Is it too early to give him his own rifle?

4 is the perfect age to start lessons in marksmanship. Find him a little .22 rifle and let him practice on the hordes outside the city limits. The sooner he learns to shoot, the safer you’ll feel.

My little Susie was bitten. She’s really sick. What should I do?

The kindest, most caring thing you can do for her is to put her down. One bullet through the head is the greatest show of love. You must think of your other children. Their safety should be considered as well.

Check back tomorrow for our next entry!

Posted on May 6, 2011 by , Reply

Moms vs. Zombies: Mother’s Day Edition

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. It’s a great time to recognize the moms in your life.

Mothers make a lot of tough decisions. They reach out to their children in times of chaos to give them love and hope. Frankly, it’s unclear to me why they don’t get more recognition for surviving, and helping their kids and families survive, during a zombie apocalypse. Hardly anything has been written about mothers in zombie fiction, which is too bad, because there are all kinds of difficult situations moms can end up in that would make good fiction.

So, this week we will change that, just a little bit. Over the next couple of days, look for posts here by moms, about moms, and for moms, trying to make it through the zombie invasion with their families in one piece.

Posted on May 2, 2011 by , Reply
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